Don't Lose Your Smile
by Kylie-Chan
Summary: Fourteen is not an age of death. And yet fourteen year old Hatake Kakashi is standing amongst the dead, his eyes blank and listless.


A/N: Present tense is unusually difficult to do. Oh well, if this is too confusing, let me know. I've gotten myself addicted to Kakashi angst after I read a bunch of kimi no vanilla's stories. They're excellent, and I advise everyone to go read them.

Disc.: If I owned Naruto, Yondaime and Obito would be alive. Are they? No. Thus, I do not own it.

--

Fourteen. Fourteen is an age of happiness, an age of awkwardness, an age of change, and an age of sadness. Fourteen is not an age of death. And yet fourteen-year-old Hatake Kakashi is standing amongst the dead, his eyes blank and listless. A small voice in the back of his head is whispering that he did it, that he killed them, and being the skilled ninja that he is, he ignores it. He also ignores the blood that had begun to dry on his hands, blood belonging to his teammate. When someone tells him to leave and clean himself up, he does so, mechanically. He is ignoring life.

At the funeral, Kakashi realizes that he can't cry. He can't bring himself to shed a tear as they lower the empty casket into the ground, the real body being buried under rocks somewhere. Kakashi doesn't know where, because he's already blocked it out. Someone tearfully speaks about how good a person Obito was, and how faithful he was, and how kind he was. Kakashi wonders hazily why they don't say anything about how he was a crybaby, and how he was in love with their other teammate, and how he was always coming up with far-fetched excuses as to why he was late. Kakashi wonders, but doesn't say anything, because by the time his mouth begins to work again, he's already at home.

The pain doesn't catch up with him until a week later, as he stands in front of the monumental stone that has the names of all the dead shinobi carved into it. He's already memorized where the freshly carved name is, and idly thinks that his father is not on there. Then he drops to his knees and begins to sob; no one else is around, so it's okay. No one else is around to hear him scream as he pounds his fists into the ground. So Kakashi is surprised when he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. Everyone can be wrong sometimes.

"Kakashi."

It's his sensei; he doesn't have to look up to know that it's him. He can feel it in the energy emitting from the hand on his shoulder, and he can hear it in the sorrowful, although still slightly happy voice. Only his sensei can retain the smallest bits of happiness during times like these.

"Do you want to talk?"

Kakashi nods. He's grateful that his sensei doesn't ask him if he's okay. Because really, he's not. But his sensei knows that already.

"Is it just Obito's death that's bothering you?" his sensei asks gently.

"No."

"What else is it?"

"I…" Kakashi trails off and looks down. "I'm weak." That's not what's bothering him; he just says it because it's true. The tears on his face are testament to that. His sensei shakes his head.

"No Kakashi…you're not weak. You're strong. Very strong, in fact."

"I'm crying. Crying is weakness."

"That's not true; only strong people can cry."

"Do you cry, sensei?"

There's a pause, and Kakashi studies his sensei's face as his smile becomes slightly rueful. "No. I'm so weak that I don't know how to cry anymore."

Kakashi stares at his sensei for a few moments, thinking hard. He raises his hand to touch his sensei's cheek; it's a tentative movement that makes his sensei blink in surprise. He swallows. "No…that's not true, sensei. You're strong because you know how to smile."

The soon to be Fourth Hokage looks confused for a moment, then he smiles. "Is that so?"

Kakashi nods, and his expression becomes deathly serious. He pulls down his mask, something that surprises his sensei, and he quietly says, "Don't ever lose your smile sensei. Please, promise me you won't."

Again there is confusion on the blonde man's face, and then his expression softens. "Alright, I promise." Then Kakashi wraps his arms around his sensei's neck, kissing him delicately, albeit somewhat awkwardly, on the cheek.

"Thank you sensei." The blonde is still somewhat shocked by his student's actions, considering that Kakashi is never physical unless he's hitting someone. But he hugs his student close none-the-less, because he can feel what this means to him, and when something is important to Kakashi, the future Yondaime makes sure to acknowledge it. And as it begins to rain, Kakashi reluctantly breaks the contact with his sensei, saying, "I need to go home."

"Come home with me," his sensei says softly, smiling gently. "I'll lay out some futons, and we can spend the evening together. It will be fun." Kakashi looks at him, ebony and scarlet eyes searching cerulean depths, and he nods. He's glad that he has his sensei, who always seems to know what to do. Kakashi feels that without him, he wouldn't be able to stand here on his own two feet.

_Sensei,_ he thinks. _I'm not strong. But you are; you're the strongest person I know._

They start to walk back to sensei's apartment, hand in hand, and Kakashi prays that the smile on the face of the man next to him never fades.

--

Fifteen. Fifteen is an age of growth, an age of excitement, an age of love, and an age of surprises. Fifteen is not an age of death. And yet on his fifteenth birthday, Hatake Kakashi spends the day with the dead. He goes out and sits at the monument, bringing a small, packed lunch along with him. Many sought him out that day, both to wish him a happy birthday and to give him presents. So far he'd gotten a 'youthful card' and some money from his 'eternal rival', Gai, a set of shuriken from Asuma, and a new, interesting book from Iruka. He brought them with him, laying them out in front of the monument to show his teammates and sensei.

"Asuma's getting into smoking now," Kakashi says, sighing and leaning against the stone. "He coughs a lot, and it's kind of funny. Iruka is pretty nice. You knew him, Obito; you thought he was an okay guy. You'd like him Rin; he blushes a lot, so you'd probably think he was adorable. Did you ever meet him, sensei? Probably not. He lost his parents during the war…say hi to them for him, will you?"

Kakashi continues on like this for a while, keeping up a seemingly one-sided conversation. He knows that they can hear him, though; he's sure of it. "Hey, sensei, you're still smiling up in heaven right? Don't think I've forgotten your promise," Kakashi says in a semi-accusing manner, looking up at the sky. Just then, as if to answer his question, a bright burst of sunlight appears through the clouds. Kakashi smiles.

"I thought so. You aren't the type to break your promises." Then he presses his cheek against the cold stone. Fifteen may not have been an age of death, but Kakashi certainly found that spending his birthday with the dead was much more fun than spending it with those who were alive.


End file.
